"Put your hope in Yahweh, be strong, let your heart be bold, put your hope in Yahweh" - Psalm 27:31
I was struck by this line today while doing my morning devotional - an invitation to be strong and to be bold, even after I have been told that I need to be the stronger one, I need to be the one who stays steady and not crumble to pieces.
I can only ask - How? What is left of me, even after I have raised the white flag, and like the apostles, are asleep from sheer exhaustion and sorrow in the Garden of Gethsemane? And again, my crushing weaknesses come to the fore, leaving me doubtful and torn. To hope then seems akin to attempts to catch the moon when I can barely even lift my body and jump.
I see no way out. Made of glass and afraid of even more debilitating wounds - I can only say: no bravado, no words left but a quiet clinging to the cross and rekindling the memory of a risen Christ 2000 years ago, and asking Him to rise in my entombed heart now. The belief is no less real, despite my grief.
-the Sojourner-
July 7, 2011
June 29, 2011
Start from today, stop giving excuses.
So said Blessed Pope John Paul II. A man who highlights the value of hope and love, in all its different forms and manifestations.
In saying these words, JP II points us toward the reality that life is built out of many small moments where we choose life over death, choose to hope over despair and choose to trust over to disbelieve. Hence the time that is to be begins now rather than in the distant future.
In mundane things like deciding to smile or talk to someone who has hurt me, when all I could do was just stay far, far away and pray for them - that is the beginning of forgiveness and in time to come, reconciliation - if indeed it is meant to be. Love covers a great many sins, my namesake St Peter said, and once again, I learn that love and grace bring us far beyond what we think we could do on our own. Love brings with it its own vulnerability and we expose ourselves to sorrow and betrayal when we love with all our hearts openly and deeply, but beyond that vulnerability, beyond that brokenness from sins of commission and omission is an opportunity to pray and join our suffering with that of Christ. And in so doing, we enter into that moment together with Christ when He, yes, the Son of Man wept when Lazarus died. Christ was vulnerable then, and yet, in moments to pass, He showed how strong love is when He raised Lazarus up. The tears had to precede the joy, in as much as night fades into the glowing dawn.
In simple things like deciding to try eating, living and being well, when pain usually makes me hide away and blame myself and ill-treat myself, blaming myself for my own stupidity - that is the beginning of finding a freedom to realise parts of me which have been locked away because I never knew any other way of doing things, gritting my teeth through the aches. I have faced up to this pain of mine and looked it in the eye, and answers do not reveal themselves so readily or so soon but at least I have begun to trust that a higher power knows better and is providing for me in ways I will never ever really fully understand. It is comforting and humbling at the same time. My faith is even smaller than a mustard seed, but it is very much there and I believe that in this darkness, it is growing, growing to the point it will be able to touch the sky someday.
In putting on a brighter hairclip or wearing that pretty dress or experimenting with make-up, from the time I disdained trying because we believed that I could not look any better anyway, it's realising that making the most of what I have that counts anyway because that's what I have been given, and it's a blessing from God whatever the world chooses to call it.Not a rejection, but an acceptance and an embrace.
Yes, dear Blessed John Paul II - the future does start today and not tomorrow. And it calls for faith, hope and love on my part. I just need draw close to the Source of all goodness everyday, and He fills me with all three, giving me something to really smile about from my heart and to look out for. It helps so much to remind me that I need always live in the present :)
-the Sojourner-
In saying these words, JP II points us toward the reality that life is built out of many small moments where we choose life over death, choose to hope over despair and choose to trust over to disbelieve. Hence the time that is to be begins now rather than in the distant future.
In mundane things like deciding to smile or talk to someone who has hurt me, when all I could do was just stay far, far away and pray for them - that is the beginning of forgiveness and in time to come, reconciliation - if indeed it is meant to be. Love covers a great many sins, my namesake St Peter said, and once again, I learn that love and grace bring us far beyond what we think we could do on our own. Love brings with it its own vulnerability and we expose ourselves to sorrow and betrayal when we love with all our hearts openly and deeply, but beyond that vulnerability, beyond that brokenness from sins of commission and omission is an opportunity to pray and join our suffering with that of Christ. And in so doing, we enter into that moment together with Christ when He, yes, the Son of Man wept when Lazarus died. Christ was vulnerable then, and yet, in moments to pass, He showed how strong love is when He raised Lazarus up. The tears had to precede the joy, in as much as night fades into the glowing dawn.
In simple things like deciding to try eating, living and being well, when pain usually makes me hide away and blame myself and ill-treat myself, blaming myself for my own stupidity - that is the beginning of finding a freedom to realise parts of me which have been locked away because I never knew any other way of doing things, gritting my teeth through the aches. I have faced up to this pain of mine and looked it in the eye, and answers do not reveal themselves so readily or so soon but at least I have begun to trust that a higher power knows better and is providing for me in ways I will never ever really fully understand. It is comforting and humbling at the same time. My faith is even smaller than a mustard seed, but it is very much there and I believe that in this darkness, it is growing, growing to the point it will be able to touch the sky someday.
In putting on a brighter hairclip or wearing that pretty dress or experimenting with make-up, from the time I disdained trying because we believed that I could not look any better anyway, it's realising that making the most of what I have that counts anyway because that's what I have been given, and it's a blessing from God whatever the world chooses to call it.Not a rejection, but an acceptance and an embrace.
Yes, dear Blessed John Paul II - the future does start today and not tomorrow. And it calls for faith, hope and love on my part. I just need draw close to the Source of all goodness everyday, and He fills me with all three, giving me something to really smile about from my heart and to look out for. It helps so much to remind me that I need always live in the present :)
-the Sojourner-
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